When you love somebody, you love them. You cant help that and you're not suppose to. I mean look at me. At least you found someone who loves you back

Today was my last day of Spring Break and I'll tell you what...it was very uneventful. I've been laying in bed all day. Haven't eaten, talked to anyone, or done anything else for that matter. Only getting out of bed when nature calls. :) But it gave me time to think (which is probably the reason behind my screaming headache!) Also, I've been watching What Women Want. That helped my mind get going too! I just realized, I don't want to be another statistic. I don't want to look back on my life when I'm 30 or even 80 and think the same things that everyone else does when they are that age. I want to look back and say wow what a life I had. Wouldn't you want to say that too instead of wishing you took that job or married the one you truely loved and not the "right choice" I don't want to look back at myself as I am right now and regret not living. Because let's face it, without risk what is there? Nothing. You experience what everyone else does. The same old shit. I want to live, to thrive, to succeed in my own way and not someone else's. This is my life and I'm going to see to it that I live it to the fullest. I want people to look at me and see that I'm happy. I don't want to have to try and convince people I'm happy all the time with fake smiles and laughs. Which not many people know, but that's what I do. My life is full of happy moments. Not periods of time. And it always seems I work so hard to get two steps forward only to soon get puched four steps back. I know MANY people feel the same way I'm just willing to put it all out there. Can anyone ever be truely happy? We were "put" here for a better reason then to feel pain and fall on our asses. Some greater purpose. Has to be. I hate feeling like I'm just another person in this world. Feeling completely invisible and wiped out. I mean, can you really love just one person and be happy with them forever? Can you have that best friend who sticks by your side throughout the years and you grow old together? Can you find your perfect job and live in that perfect home? I'm beginning to think you can't. At least in my life. I'm always getting pushed down or looked past. I try. I really do. Maybe not hard enough but I try all the same and effort is what counts right? Just when things get good, something goes sour and you're left to start new. Total clique I know, but it's just not fair. I suppose it's better to once have then to not have at all. Basically, I feel like I've done so much to try and be the best person I can be and it's never good enough. Not for friends, that special someone, family, teachers etc...for no one. So I've decided I need to do things for me. I can't keep living for others. I can't keep trying so hard to please them and make them love me for me when I don't even know who me is. I'm going to do just that. Find myself. And I'm going to let you in on a little secret of mine....I'm scared to death.