But Lately I've Been Jaded

I'm having difficulties filling the void in my life. Being around people just doesn't seem to be helping. I still have that empty feeling inside me. I haven't been in school for two days because I've been since but honestly, I think part of the reason why I don't want to go back is because of the people. Yes I'm lonely and want to be around people but I find that being near others only makes me feel worse. Take last night for example. I was with Sara and Tim. I love those two but the entire time I felt terrible. Partly because I'm sick and feel like shit but mostly because it hurt me seeing them together. I know it's so selfish of me but I feel like if I have to be unhappy then everyone else should be too. It's wrong thinking and I'd never do anything to make others unhappy for my own personal gain but it's just so hard being near others. But staying in my room for the rest of my life just sin't a reality. Tomorrow is the day that I face the world and actually go to school and deal with the pain. The horrible thing is I brought this upon myself. I told him was done...with everything. I made myself hurt. He forced me to do it, but still, I've gone through this with him before and never gave up so why now? What made things different this time? I'm not really sure. I've been asking myself a lot lately what if things would have been different? Everything goes as ment to be, that much I know for sure but why? Why do we have to suffer so much for so little happiness? I really hope things are better in the next life. I'm not really one for talking about how I feel. I only ever use to tell Mark but I feel that it's my duty to share my thoughts and feelings with you because just maybe the things I say could change something in your life. Someone once told me they had to do something because they "owed" it to the world. They had to do something to make the big difference. Well, I'm not here to change the world. I'm here to change you. Anyone willing to hear me. I know everyone reading this is just like me. You read this and go HEY that chick makes sense, and then you'll do nothing more. I was like that once. And let me tell you. I really wish I would have listened to the people around me. It would have made a world of difference in my life and I probably wouldn't hurt so bad now if I had listened. You don't have to fight a war to change the world. You can share your story and hope that one person hears it and runs with it. As terrible as it is, you have to hurt in order to achieve happiness so tomorrow I'm going to hurt and hope for just one true smile by the end of the day.